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Pattern Disruptor
Why it matters?
Self-sabotage can frustrate even the cleverest of us, as this biological response of avoidance in the name of survival can consciously or unconsciously block our success or prevent us from accomplishing our goals.
This “approach-avoidance conflict” of wanting to move towards something (like losing weight) but invariably avoids it (because it’s hard) – then to solve it, we might pick something with a positive valence that’s also easy (like eating cake!).
When it’s light, we chuckle at ourselves and say “Ugh, I can’t believe I’m doing this again!” and when it’s heavy, it can destroy our ability to be mentally healthy and move forward in life. What’s worse, the symptoms of self-sabotage can be very subtle: refusing to ask for help, micromanaging others, setting goals that are too low or high, withdrawing or making excuses to show up, overdoing something or constantly seeking approval.
These things can end up running our daily lives without applied awareness and compassion, and need disruption before they become a pile of evidence for our failures. Causing a cascade of worsening behavior that builds into poor self-esteem and the kind of self-doubt that keeps us stuck in our ways.
How it works?
- Become aware of your self-sabotaging behavior: “I want to achieve X, but I keep doing Y.”
- Write down the pattern that you notice is more than one area of life.
- Write down the triggers that cause this behavior.
- Write down the belief that may be driving this self-sabotaging behavior.
- Think of how you can reframe this belief to another truth.
- Design how you will intercept this pattern before and when you may get triggered again.
- If this pattern arises again: have self-compassion, recognize the real consequences, and revisit your plan.
Note: these simple steps are in no way diminishing the depths of some self-sabotaging behavior which can be childhood trauma related. Change can take time and starting with low-hanging fruit can be incredibly empowering as you make small shifts towards behavior that builds competence, and in turn, confidence. Then you get those juicy reinforcing positive feedback loops.
Examples
“I want to lose 12 kgs, but I keep wrecking my cortisol levels by drinking wine and coffee, even though I tell myself it’s ‘less than before.’”
Pattern: I know the possible root cause of why I’m not reaching my goal, but I’ll just slightly shift the symptomatic factors, thinking that’s enough, constantly extending the deadline and not fully committing. (Same goes for: not making enough sales calls / not saving enough money / not posting that content)
Triggers: I drink coffee because I believe it is the only thing that can power my morning, and have very positive ritualistic connotations. I drink wine because I believe it makes social situations more enjoyable.
New Beliefs: I can power up my mornings with a mug of lemonade and an unregulated breathing session. I don’t need to drink alcohol to enjoy my time with friends.
Pattern Disruptors: Remove all the coffee and alcohol from the house and when I’m out, order only sparkly water when with friends. Right before the craving, create a pause by counting to ten while visualizing a slim version of myself drinking lemonade.
Disrupting patterns of self-sabotage start with self-awareness, self-understanding and the willingness to widen the gap between thought and action.
Sources:
iResearchNet: Psychology: Approach-Avoidance Conflict Definition
Stop Self-Sabotage by Dr. Judy Ho, PhD